I am getting old. Since I’m 28, every glass of alcohol is felt the next day. Older people I have heard complain about this, but recently I became part of this group. Now I know what they were talking about. I’ve never been one for ordinary drinking, but I hadn’t foreseen that it would hit so hard. But hey, I’ll just go wild on the strawberry lemonade. Living life to the fullest, as people (with the I’m-super-happy urge to prove it to the outside world) so beautifully say.
Today I remembered something very uncomfortable. When I was still together with my ex, I had ordered delicious Chinese food one evening. Chinese food, not Chinese. My boyfriend wasn’t home yet, but could come home any minute. I get an awful lot of pleasure and satisfaction out of scaring people, so I thought it would be fun to scare my boyfriend into coming home. The bell rang, so I quickly sprinted to the stairs, and waited patiently around the corner. The footsteps came closer and closer, and as soon as I saw his head coming around the corner I yelled “BOO” very loudly while assuming the posture of a monster. Only, what was unfortunate was that it wasn’t my friend. It was the delivery man who brought my Chinese food. The poor man was shocked and didn’t know what hit him. Fortunately, he could laugh about it, but I really hoped that a hole (to fall in) would spontaneously appear under my feet.
Dating apps also think with you, if you can’t find the one. So I suddenly got an ad with ‘take control’ and the corresponding vibrator from Kruidvat. Not just any vibrator, no, the ‘multi-speed dual vibrating massager’. Underneath it says ‘rechargeable’. Ideal, you can next to your phone also charge your vibrator at the kitchen table. It seems to me a fun job, thinking up texts for ads like vibrators. Something like ‘the corona proof spot that you can visit on your own’. I’m always fascinated by the names that people come up with for products. I did a quick search for the cutest vibrator names, ‘Mad Rabbit’, ‘Bumping Butterfly’ and ‘Tarzan The Soldier’. They could also have been nail polish colors, they always have such special names as ‘Forever Yummy’, ‘Lovie Dovie’, ‘Muchi Muchi’ and ‘Wild Nude’ (really exist).
I’ve been active on dating apps for quite a while now, and I noticed that almost all men over 30 have a dishwasher, so I’ve been calling it out ever since. Some time ago, I had a match on one of those dating apps with a man in his 30’s. Well, that joke turned the conversation fatal. Once in the conversation he said he was going to wash dishes. Of course I couldn’t resist saying “oh I thought all men over 30 had dishwashers”. The man in question only sent another smiley face and said he was going to bed. As the conversation ended in a strange way, I wondered what the reason was. Since I am officially an adult, I had decided to ask about it the next day. The man in question did not like the comment, whether I could not have guessed. Since he has a mouth to talk to, I’m not going to guess what’s going on. But, no, I didn’t guess that the dishwasher statement hit you so deeply. He thought I should apologize. I didn’t do that, I just offered to come over and help with the dishes sometime, so it would still feel a little like he had a dishwasher.